Week 4: Is this really happening?

My Bachelorette recap…

OK, so I am watching the Bachelorette a day late and on my computer because of a tragic DVR mishap, and I am so overcome with all of it that I feel I must write… Years ago I used to get an email recap of the Bachelor that some girl wrote and I loved it, so I’m going to take a stab at doing the same. Now, before we even begin, I’m not trying to say I’m better than anyone on this show or that I know ANYTHING about falling in love… 35, single mom, permanently 10 pounds overweight (10…. 25, let’s not split hairs here), sitting here with a box of Oh’s cereal that I’m shoveling in by the handful (people, it is delicious and you must try it), and now on my 3rd Yuengling light; so I am really no one to judge… that said, here we go….

We open on all the guys hanging out. Chris Harrelson (?) arrives to announce the plans for the week’s dates… who passed out the Livestrong bracelets? The guys are all kind of cute when they’re just hanging out being guys and NOT trying to impress Ali…

OK, flash to Ali walking around NY. Note to all- do not try to look “New York” when you’re visiting New York. No weird hats, shoes, short shorts… Dress like you normally do. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t try to do the NY double-cheek air-kiss. Guess what New Yorkers? We know you all think you’re soooooo chic w/the double air kiss, but the rest of the world thinks you’re tools. NY friends, no rebuttals. I heart heart heart NY and will always regret not living there for a year or two when I was much younger; I’m just not down with the I’m-sooooooooo-NY-now attitude.

Back to the show…
OK, bless your sweet heart Ali for just admitting that you are totally intimidated by NY fashion. So this guy from InStyle is picking outfits. Most are VERY cute. She looks good.

Ali needs to stop calling the guys “boys.” “I have a lot of boys!” etc…. makes it sound like she’s going to find 12 year olds to play with. Ewwww.

Ali is describing all the guys… Ali, you do NOT need to use an accent when you say “Rrrrrrroberto!” Seriously.

Kasey’s one-on-one date
DISASTER
Everything with Kasey is painful to watch, and even more painful to hear. First of all, I hate to take cheap shots or tease anyone for something they can’t help, but what the heck with his voice??? Am I the only one who thinks something is wrong here? I bet he is the WORST kisser EVER, but you might HAVE to kiss him just to get him to STOP TALKING. Ohhhh he’s the WORST. I feel sorry for him but he is so weird and annoying!! So here we go… Kasey is already taking pictures of them w/his phone. Weirdo. They are riding in a helicopter. He just said, “That’s what’s up!” They are both screaming “wooohoooo!” like idiots. He just said that Ali was in a cocoon but is now a beautiful butterfly who is opened up and ready for love. PUSH HIM OUT OF THE HELICOPTER. Oh god, here he goes with the “protect and guard my heart” stuff. OHGOD OHGOD OHGOD impromptu original song!!!! OH GOD is this really happening?!!? Poor Ali. You can tell she is like WHAT THE F*CK. Side note, if I were ever the Bachelorette- and I probably will be at some point because I am the perfect candidate- there are a few things that will instantly get a guy kicked out---- writing me a poem or singing a song to me are high on the list. OK, back to the date …Ali said he is being cheesy but is still giving him a chance to be “real.” Ummm, Ali, this IS “real.” He is “real” crazzzzy and “real” weird! Stage 4 clinger! Now they’re running around the museum and Kasey is just being a total dork, pretending to talk to the animals. Now they are sitting on a random couch in the museum. He just said, “I choose you.” Isn’t that from a movie? Notting Hill? Choose me, love me. Oh God, he just said, “It’s just my heart. Jump in. Stay a while.” I could stab myself in the ears right now. WAIT NO NO NO HE IS SINGING AGAIN!!!!! Is this really happening!?!?! She actually laughed this time. He rhymed “thorns” with “yours.” Hmmmmmmmm…. OK, so now Ali says that she is worried that the songs and lines and everything are not real. Um, Ali, you should be more worried if they ARE real. This guy is a FREAK. Kasey said guard my heart 3 more times. Sulking b/c he didn’t get the rose. Send this whack-job HOME! Thank goodness this trainwreck is over.

On to the group date. The “boys” are trying out for a part w/Ali in the Lion King.

Lion King auditions…
Oh good lord…. Who put all these guys in bike shorts? AWFUL. And the bright Hanes v-necks and ankle socks? AWFUL. Wow this show gets better by the minute.

Weatherman… you are like a Keebler elf. I feel like you must weigh 135 pounds. Good for you, that’s my goal weight.

WHOA Jesse your singing was really good!

OK, here comes my favorite, Roberto. Your singing was horrible. But you, my friend, are darling. Now I would have immediately given you the boot on the first day for speaking in another language to me (almost as corny as writing poems or songs)… but that would have been a mistake because you are like 2 of my favorite old flames- Jewish Marc and Hot Rob- rolled into one nice little Latino love child, and you are yummy! I even found it cute when you walked off w/her and exclaimed, “Sweeeet!” Only a hot guy can get away with this. Although the devil in me can’t help but wish I could be there when you tell Ali you are an insurance agent… I bet she’s not expecting that. By the way, Rrrrrroberto is from Charleston… I was there last week and did notice an abundance of hottie hot guys roaming the streets. I wonder if any of them were insurance agents… unfortunately I had double cockblockers with me there- my parents and son- so no chance to explore my policy options. Back to the show…

Ali, what’s with that headband/tiara??? You’re in the Lion King, not Sleeping Beauty. You look silly.

OH NO, Roberto is in a decorated floral/nude leotard… this is not working for me. Buzzkill. And it is the most unflattering thing ever! I didn’t know guys had to be as careful as us girls when it comes to not putting on something that makes your ass look huge! See, I am always LEARNING from watching this show.

Kirk, you’re growing on me. You are funny and a guy’s guy. Frank, you are weird. Way too intense. Not hot, smoldering dark intense; scary intense. I like your sailor shirt, though. I’m going to order one from miniBoden for my 6 year old son.

Now we’re back with all the guys. Ohhhhh Kirk, shiny white tie. Yuck.
Weatherman, the shades of neutral shirt/jacket. Awful. Keebler meets panama jack.

Ali, again, your body is 5 billion times better than mine, but stretch pants, long or capri, are not for you. And those heels… what is it about everyone my age (ok, she’s 10 years younger) thinking they can dress like the ladies in Sex and the City? Or is it Sex in the City? Well it doesn’t matter, the point is no one looks good in their wardrobe except them. I went to see the movie 2 weeks ago, and there were several people who had clearly tried to look like Carrie and it was just pitiful. And while I’m at it, no one over 12 looks cute in pigtails/braids… I know, you think you look cute and youthful… no no no, it’s awful. Even on Heidi Klum. Kim Kardashian. Insert name of anyone you think is beautiful. Again, I realize I am in no position to criticize hair these days. I am sporting the worst--- the way-too-short-sticks-straight-out ponytail. But I digress…

OK, so Ali is sick. She is hoarse and whiny and the guys all find it precious. Hmmmm, don’t play this card too much my friend. Guys only like it once or twice, then they’re over it.

Ewwwww, Kirk just asked if she wanted a bedtime story. Meanwhile Weatherman is stewing and kicking himself once again. Poor little fella. Now Kirk is blowing out all the candles…. Ummmmm, did we have a scene change to Phantom of the Opera? And Ali, you aren’t asleep! Open your eyes! This is SO corny. I love it.

Chris L’s one-on-one…
Ali is sick. They’re just going to hang out in Ali’s room! YES, finally, now I’ve got a game plan for when I’m the Bachelorette… I’m going to say I’m sick the entire season so I can stay in bed and watch TV!
OH NO, Ali just said “supposably”… she’s an idiot… and that does not mean pick apart my writing and find the errors and point them out to me… I am typing as I watch AND drink beer, so that’s extra points for me. Sweet Chris L, I love you for not playing the mom card early on… nice guy. Don’t know if he’s really intriguing in any way, but definitely solid. Not my type, I prefer damaged, broken, and messy.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh good lord Kasey is getting a tattoo. I’m hoping it’s a heart that says “Guard and protect 4ever” and yes, it has to read “4ever” because that makes it even WORSE. Oh my god I can’t believe it- I was kidding and I was ALMOST right!!! It’s a SHIELD “protecting” a heart to go along w/the “guard and protect her heart” theme. How can you be such an even split of FREAK and DORK?

WHAT is with big lawyer guy’s homeboy gear when he’s loungin’ around w/the other fellas?

Uh oh… Chris L is talking about his mom… poor guy… good for him keeping it together! All the other guys are crying over Ali, and he’s keeping it together talking about his dead mother! He’s a rock. I love that. Bottle it up, guys, bottle it up.

Props to Ali for not having 10 tons of makeup on in every scene. She’s a cute girl. Just a little less whining and a lot less stretch pants, and she’s set.

Am I supposed to know who this guy is singing on the roof? Hmmmm, the kissing… I couldn’t tell if it was good or not… seemed a little messy but I didn’t care enough to rewind…

OK, rose ceremony time… Big lawyer guy is back in his dull business man suit. Can’t wait to see Kasey reveal his tatt. Seriously he has GOT to stop saying “guard and protect her/my heart.” SO weird and annoying. At least 10 times in this episode! Again, don’t care enough to rewind and count… but thinking it could be a good drinking game.
WOW, there goes Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert again!!!! Player has mooooooves!
OH god, Weatherman singing. WTF with all this singing??? How does she even sit there at this point? Awwwwwwwwwwkward.

Guys just got to see the tatt. Some of them are staring with no words… others can’t help but smile, smirk, and laugh. OH no, Justin just spoke in 3rd person AND used his wrestler name… add that to my list of instant cuts (speaking in 3rd person AND HAVING a wrestler name!). “Rated R called it!” “Melissa is about to vomit!”

Here we go… he’s about to show Ali the tatt... eeeeeeeeeek…. Her face already has HORROR all over it and she hasn’t even seen it! DAMMIT, stupid weird tooth Frank just cockblocked the tatt reveal!!!

Alright, moment of truth… Rose ceremony!
Uhg, commercial… time to reflect… I think I’m going to start having rose ceremonies in my class at school. At the end of each day I’m going to make all the kids pack up their backpacks and the ones who don’t get a rose must IMMEDIATELY leave the room.

OK, we’re back. Ali got “really sick.” Ummm, it was a COLD and she was able to go to a rooftop cornball concert the same night.

Kirk the Tongue! First rose! Niiiiiiice.
Frank Frankly too intense weird tooth! Second rose!
CRAIG- so that’s the big weird homie/lawyer’s name! Third rose! (Why? He’s a dud!)
Chris the rock! Fourth rose!
Roberto Hottie Hot, Fifth rose!
Rated R Wrestler! Sixth Rose!
Ty Ty Country Guy! Seventh Rose. Might be ok w/less sideburns and a better haircut.
And the final rose…
KASEY!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! You have got to be kidding me! Krazy Kasey!

As the guys hug their good-byes, I swear I just heard an “I love you man.”

AWKWARD whispering between Weatherman and Ali.

Oh wait, I missed one of the guys… dark hair, didn’t get any time on the show… who dat?

Preview for next week…
Kirk the Tongue has some skeletons to reveal! Hmmmm, might be my kinda guy!
Will Krazy Kasey show that tatt? Ali’s quote, “The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal.” Ummmm, Ali, if you have to request for a guy to “be normal,” he’s NOT normal!

So those are my thoughts…. Hope you enjoyed! Isn’t reality tv a great break from the depressing state of the REAL world? Who cares about BP, the economy, or Joran van der Sloot when you’re got Krazy Kasey trying to guard and protect your heart???

Oh jeez- just when I thought it was over, the bonus footage of Rated R doing his wrestler bit…. More importantly, one last chance to see Big Lawyer Craig’s loungin’ attire.