OK, so we land in Iceland, and apparently everyone was given a fur hat to wear.
Chris explains the 3 types of dates for the week, including, and I quote, “a special 2-on-1 date. Now this date is a little bit different, obviously…” Whoa! Ummm, is this a 3-way? If so, I’m thinkin’ Kirk the Tongue probably has some experience here… Frank will just mope in the corner because he can’t handle seeing Ali get Rrrrrroberto’s Italian sausage… Kasey will spend the entire time promising to guard and protect everyone’s hearts, Rated R will use his entertainment wrestling prowess to bodyslam the other guy, and Chris L. will just be excited to be having sex for the first time. Awwww, I love you Chris L., it’s just a guess. Brown haired guy with no face time, I can’t even remember your name, so I have no idea what you might do in the “2 on 1” situation.
So the guys must compete for the 1-on-1 date. Oh no! The guys must write POEMS! As I mentioned last week, writing me poems or songs will get you sent home immediately!! When I am the bachelorette, in addition to roses I want little plastic boots that I can use at ANY time to give a guy the BOOT on the spot. Maybe little Barbie boots would work, that way I can keep a bunch in my pocket at all times… Chris just said if they can “slide in” and Icelandic word, that would get extra credit. Ohhhh boy, I bet Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert can slide in a little more than that for some extra credit.
The guys are out on the street trying to learn Icelandic words. Everyone is running away from Rated R, which isn’t difficult since he is hobbling around on his crutches.
Krazy Kasey- let’s just shorten it to Krasey- is looking forward to showing Ali his tattoo… so are we, buddy, so are we …
Krasey says he’s going to show Ali his heart and she’ll show him hers… betcha Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert has a different version of this game…
Eeeeeeeeeeek! Here we go with the poetry reading!
Big Craig Homie/Lawyer- not bad! Not too corny… and kind of funny! Well done Big Boy.
Krasey just said, “I’m very excited for her to hear my heart, and hear my words, and put them together.” I can’t understand half of these words. Neither can Chris L. Krasey is “100% positive” he’s won.
Ty & Rated R… can’t even remember…
Rrrrroberto- gosh, everything you do is cute.
Chris L.- painful.
Chris M.- Who are you?
Kirk- Ewwwww! I thought you would take the cool-guy humor route… but Ali is so corny that you were probably smart to use that approach.
Frank- he did ok. Better than I expected.
And the winner is, WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO KIRK KIRK TONGUE ALERT!!!! WATCH OUT! He’s bringin’ the HEAT to Iceland! Best of all, on his 1-on-1 date we are going to get to find out what skeletons are in his closet!
Watch out Ali, Kirk just said, “Ali and I, we built a pretty good connection… I just want to solidify that.” Yeah, I think we all know what THAT means! Jeez, Kirk, can’t you wait for the “fantasy suite” card?
Uh oh, Krasey has just said several times that he wants Ali all to himself. I can’t help but to think of Jack Black in Shallow Hal: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Frank, you are VERY lucky that Krasey is there, because he is distracting people from the full serving of CRAZY you’re bringing to this table.
Yikes! Ali’s princess headband is back! Quick, put the fur hat back on her!
Kirk’s date… sweater shop… stupid… but now we’re sitting in the restaurant and I hear the rattlin’ bones coming!! Hmmm, he’s not ready to tell her whatever it is…
Skip to the guys hanging out together. For once Craig is NOT in his homie gear, and I am disappointed. Frank just referred to himself as “Frank the Tank!!!” complete with arm motions. Ummm, Frank, your tank is full of crazy. So the 2-on-1 date will be Krasey and Rated R. Already giggling to myself about how bad this will be!!
Back to Ali and Kirk… here we go! Kirk’s big secret… he was very sick and wasn’t sure he’d live… was a big runner, then developed breathing problems, loss of memory … he’s going on and on and on about all these crazy symptoms and Ali has a horrified look on her face like he’s about to say that because of this illness he now has no penis (rewind and watch her, she keeps glancing down!)… cut to the chase, “asthbestos & multiple mold overgrowths” essentially poisoned him… You know what else is poisoned? THIS DATE. BUZZKILL. I’m not understanding why it was necessary to share this! Please Kirk, let’s bottle up all these feelings and get back to being Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert! Hmmmm, now I’m wondering if Kirk’s actually really smart and has learned how to play the game w/cheeseball Ali Bo Peep. YEP, it worked! Well played! Kirk’s tongue is right back in Ali’s mouth and he’s GOT the rose. UHG, Kirk is fluctuating moment by moment between Mr. Feelings and Tongue Alert. I can’t keep up.
Meanwhile, Frank and Krasey are having a long discussion that can be summed up as crazy meets crazier. Shame on you, Frank. You are giving Krasey bad advice for his date. Oh Frank, don’t you realize that Krasey can destroy the date all by himself??? No need for sabotage…
Alright, we’re on the group date. They are going horseback riding and the riding hat doesn’t come CLOSE to fitting over Craig’s giant head. Nothing else interesting on the ride. Now we are arriving at a cave.
Meanwhile, Rated R is getting his cast removed. He’s full of bad one-liners and stupid sayings. The best (worst), “ This is definitely one small step for Justin, one giant leap for Rated R.” OK dipshit, you have now referred to yourself in 3rd person TWICE in one sentence. BOOT.
Back to the boring horse/cave group date. Oh god, whoever just said, “Welcome to Caves R Us,” here is your BOOT (Chris L, I am pretending that I don’t know it was YOU). All the guys are taking turns whining about not getting time with Ali. Ty Ty Country Guy just scored points because he thought the date was great. Awwwww… OH NO, preview of hot tub scene…
Let me take this commercial break to clarify that when I’m the bachelorette there will be NO hot tub scenes! Before filming, I will clearly need a personal trainer for a few months so that I will look good on TV. But let’s face it, even if Jillian Biggest Loser lady (lady?) moves in with me, there’s only so much we will be able to do with this body… for this reason, there will be NO beach, pool, or hot tub scenes... (Maybe we could film in Alaska?). Even if I could deal with my own body in a bikini on TV (and that’s quite an “if”), I still can’t deal with the guys doing cannonballs into the pool or snuggling up to me in the slimy germfest hot tub. Ewwww. I bet asbestos/mold Kirk won’t get NEAR the hot tub!
OK, show’s back on…. Ughhh weird tooth Frank you are such a baby. The guys are all reacting to Ali’s bikini body. Yes, she looks great. Nothing weird to speak of on her body (who’s seen Kate Gosselin’s way-too-high belly button?).
Ty Ty Country Guy is getting some Ali action! Ewwww, now Chris L. is smooching her… ick it’s too loud! I hate hearing people kiss. Sounds like a sloppy one… Frank is flippin’ out… Meanwhile Rated R is trash-talkin’ Krasey.
Ohhhhhhhhhh no, whiny Frank is getting some time w/Ali now and she is doing her cute baby voice. Alright, ladies, let’s go there right now. Much like pigtails, baby talk is NOT cute. Not on you, not on anyone. The worst worst worst offender is Khloe Kardashian. It’s worth watching Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami or Keeping up w/the Kardashians JUST to witness how annoying it is. Kim couldn’t pull that off, so Khloe you SURE can’t. Let’s also remember how much you can learn about professional athletes by “Keeping up.” I knew Reggie Bush and Lamar Odom thanks to Kim & Khloe! And as I’m typing this, I’m learning one more thing… when you are about to name your child, type his/her name in a Word document… if spellcheck zigzags the name in red, you need to reconsider. Chloe, no zigzag; Khloe, zigzag… Courtney, no zigzag; Kourtney, zigzag.
Back to business…
Ali & Frank… boring…
Now she’s going to give a rose IN the hot tub. AND she’s doing the baby voice. Awwwww, it’s Ty Ty Country Guy!!! Yay, he was a good sport. All the boys are sulking now. I’m not into Ty, but at least he didn’t sulk and whine the whole day!
Ok folks, here’s what we’ve been waiting for. Krasey and Rated R 2-on-1 date AND Krasey’s tatt reveal!! Woo hoo! Rated R says he’s “bringin’ all I’ve got.” Ummmm, Rated R, all you’ve “got” is that new patch of hair under your bottom lip and your designer jeans, which you need to stop wearing in every scene… plus I think they might be women’s jeans…? And heeeeeere we go. Boring flight around the volcano. These guys are both SO annoying. Not even fun to watch. Please oh please let someone fall into the volcano. Hee hee, Ali just said my favorite quote that they previewed last week, “The only thing Kasey has to do today is BE NORMAL.” I know I mentioned it last week, but it’s just so good. OK people, it’s TATT TIME! She is in shock. Sweet girl, trying to smile while thinking, “OH MY GOD, THIS FREAK IS GOING TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP!” Ali is tromping through the snow as fast as possible trying to get the hell outta Iceland… Ali stops to give Rated R the rose and say good-bye to Krasey… poor Krasey, he held it together as they flew off. Zoom out on Krasey through the helicopter window. He has MAJOR stalker potential. Kreeeeepy Krazy Kasey!
OH GOD, Justin/Rated R just said, “There’s actually 2 roses given; one to Justin, and one to Rated R.” WHAT is WRONG with him???
OK, Rose Ceremony time. Still 30 minutes left, so we must be about to have some drama.
Ick, I have to see and hear Frank and Ali kiss. THEN she says something about how the look on his face is the look she’s missed. Really, Ali? THAT’S the look? The I’m-going-to-watch-you-while-you-sleep-and-try-on-your-underwear-psycho look?
Big head Craig drew a tattoo on his own arm. OK, he’s kind of funny which is surprising. Busted out a personality!
No-face-time Chris N…. ok, the editing is making him look like a DOOF… I have a feeling this isn’t what really happened… at least I hope not. Other guys are “analyzing their body language.” I just refuse to believe that this is normal guy behavior! Seems so girly!
Chris L is sweet and simple… so is Ali… maybe this is a good match.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroberto, you haven’t been around much this episode. Here goes Ali’s baby voice again!! Do guys like this? Maybe I’m all wrong about it… shoot, what do I know? Ali just said that she wouldn’t have approached him because he was too hot for her. That was kind of sweet. OK, it’s decided: I am going to Claire’s Boutique tomorrow to buy a sparkle princess headband and hair extensions, then I’m going to approach MY crush (who definitely IS too hot for me) and try out the baby voice. Fingers crossed!
Awwwwwwwwwww, Kirk is wearing his matching sweater to the Rose Ceremony! OK THAT’S kind of funny.
All the guys look rather haggard. Too much drinking at the house maybe?
1st rose, Frank. Ick.
2nd rose, Chris L.
3rd rose, Rrrrrrrrrrroberto
4th and final rose! It’s between Big Head Craig and NoFaceTime Chris… who looks like he’s about to PASS OUT. And the rose goes to BHC. Ali makes a pouty baby sad face. Ewww.
I’m guessing Rated R goes home next week… or maybe BHC. I wish Frank would go home…
NoFaceTimeChris keeps it together in the limo. He seems stoned.
OH NO Ali said “supposably” again AND I think she thinks “IstanbulTurkey” is one word. She doesn’t seem to be able to say “Istanbul.” Worth the rewind. Awkward.
Scenes from next week!
Wrestling in jeans. Why?
Someone there has a girlfriend back home… Ali chases him out, yelling, “You’re going to regret this!” Eeeek, she just slipped into that place we all try so hard to hide, our psycho-chick side.
Why do they save the BEST footage for the end??? BHC on the tiny horse? Hilarious!
And that’s it for this week!
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