OK, so we land in Iceland, and apparently everyone was given a fur hat to wear.
Chris explains the 3 types of dates for the week, including, and I quote, “a special 2-on-1 date. Now this date is a little bit different, obviously…” Whoa! Ummm, is this a 3-way? If so, I’m thinkin’ Kirk the Tongue probably has some experience here… Frank will just mope in the corner because he can’t handle seeing Ali get Rrrrrroberto’s Italian sausage… Kasey will spend the entire time promising to guard and protect everyone’s hearts, Rated R will use his entertainment wrestling prowess to bodyslam the other guy, and Chris L. will just be excited to be having sex for the first time. Awwww, I love you Chris L., it’s just a guess. Brown haired guy with no face time, I can’t even remember your name, so I have no idea what you might do in the “2 on 1” situation.
So the guys must compete for the 1-on-1 date. Oh no! The guys must write POEMS! As I mentioned last week, writing me poems or songs will get you sent home immediately!! When I am the bachelorette, in addition to roses I want little plastic boots that I can use at ANY time to give a guy the BOOT on the spot. Maybe little Barbie boots would work, that way I can keep a bunch in my pocket at all times… Chris just said if they can “slide in” and Icelandic word, that would get extra credit. Ohhhh boy, I bet Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert can slide in a little more than that for some extra credit.
The guys are out on the street trying to learn Icelandic words. Everyone is running away from Rated R, which isn’t difficult since he is hobbling around on his crutches.
Krazy Kasey- let’s just shorten it to Krasey- is looking forward to showing Ali his tattoo… so are we, buddy, so are we …
Krasey says he’s going to show Ali his heart and she’ll show him hers… betcha Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert has a different version of this game…
Eeeeeeeeeeek! Here we go with the poetry reading!
Big Craig Homie/Lawyer- not bad! Not too corny… and kind of funny! Well done Big Boy.
Krasey just said, “I’m very excited for her to hear my heart, and hear my words, and put them together.” I can’t understand half of these words. Neither can Chris L. Krasey is “100% positive” he’s won.
Ty & Rated R… can’t even remember…
Rrrrroberto- gosh, everything you do is cute.
Chris L.- painful.
Chris M.- Who are you?
Kirk- Ewwwww! I thought you would take the cool-guy humor route… but Ali is so corny that you were probably smart to use that approach.
Frank- he did ok. Better than I expected.
And the winner is, WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO KIRK KIRK TONGUE ALERT!!!! WATCH OUT! He’s bringin’ the HEAT to Iceland! Best of all, on his 1-on-1 date we are going to get to find out what skeletons are in his closet!
Watch out Ali, Kirk just said, “Ali and I, we built a pretty good connection… I just want to solidify that.” Yeah, I think we all know what THAT means! Jeez, Kirk, can’t you wait for the “fantasy suite” card?
Uh oh, Krasey has just said several times that he wants Ali all to himself. I can’t help but to think of Jack Black in Shallow Hal: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Frank, you are VERY lucky that Krasey is there, because he is distracting people from the full serving of CRAZY you’re bringing to this table.
Yikes! Ali’s princess headband is back! Quick, put the fur hat back on her!
Kirk’s date… sweater shop… stupid… but now we’re sitting in the restaurant and I hear the rattlin’ bones coming!! Hmmm, he’s not ready to tell her whatever it is…
Skip to the guys hanging out together. For once Craig is NOT in his homie gear, and I am disappointed. Frank just referred to himself as “Frank the Tank!!!” complete with arm motions. Ummm, Frank, your tank is full of crazy. So the 2-on-1 date will be Krasey and Rated R. Already giggling to myself about how bad this will be!!
Back to Ali and Kirk… here we go! Kirk’s big secret… he was very sick and wasn’t sure he’d live… was a big runner, then developed breathing problems, loss of memory … he’s going on and on and on about all these crazy symptoms and Ali has a horrified look on her face like he’s about to say that because of this illness he now has no penis (rewind and watch her, she keeps glancing down!)… cut to the chase, “asthbestos & multiple mold overgrowths” essentially poisoned him… You know what else is poisoned? THIS DATE. BUZZKILL. I’m not understanding why it was necessary to share this! Please Kirk, let’s bottle up all these feelings and get back to being Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert! Hmmmm, now I’m wondering if Kirk’s actually really smart and has learned how to play the game w/cheeseball Ali Bo Peep. YEP, it worked! Well played! Kirk’s tongue is right back in Ali’s mouth and he’s GOT the rose. UHG, Kirk is fluctuating moment by moment between Mr. Feelings and Tongue Alert. I can’t keep up.
Meanwhile, Frank and Krasey are having a long discussion that can be summed up as crazy meets crazier. Shame on you, Frank. You are giving Krasey bad advice for his date. Oh Frank, don’t you realize that Krasey can destroy the date all by himself??? No need for sabotage…
Alright, we’re on the group date. They are going horseback riding and the riding hat doesn’t come CLOSE to fitting over Craig’s giant head. Nothing else interesting on the ride. Now we are arriving at a cave.
Meanwhile, Rated R is getting his cast removed. He’s full of bad one-liners and stupid sayings. The best (worst), “ This is definitely one small step for Justin, one giant leap for Rated R.” OK dipshit, you have now referred to yourself in 3rd person TWICE in one sentence. BOOT.
Back to the boring horse/cave group date. Oh god, whoever just said, “Welcome to Caves R Us,” here is your BOOT (Chris L, I am pretending that I don’t know it was YOU). All the guys are taking turns whining about not getting time with Ali. Ty Ty Country Guy just scored points because he thought the date was great. Awwwww… OH NO, preview of hot tub scene…
Let me take this commercial break to clarify that when I’m the bachelorette there will be NO hot tub scenes! Before filming, I will clearly need a personal trainer for a few months so that I will look good on TV. But let’s face it, even if Jillian Biggest Loser lady (lady?) moves in with me, there’s only so much we will be able to do with this body… for this reason, there will be NO beach, pool, or hot tub scenes... (Maybe we could film in Alaska?). Even if I could deal with my own body in a bikini on TV (and that’s quite an “if”), I still can’t deal with the guys doing cannonballs into the pool or snuggling up to me in the slimy germfest hot tub. Ewwww. I bet asbestos/mold Kirk won’t get NEAR the hot tub!
OK, show’s back on…. Ughhh weird tooth Frank you are such a baby. The guys are all reacting to Ali’s bikini body. Yes, she looks great. Nothing weird to speak of on her body (who’s seen Kate Gosselin’s way-too-high belly button?).
Ty Ty Country Guy is getting some Ali action! Ewwww, now Chris L. is smooching her… ick it’s too loud! I hate hearing people kiss. Sounds like a sloppy one… Frank is flippin’ out… Meanwhile Rated R is trash-talkin’ Krasey.
Ohhhhhhhhhh no, whiny Frank is getting some time w/Ali now and she is doing her cute baby voice. Alright, ladies, let’s go there right now. Much like pigtails, baby talk is NOT cute. Not on you, not on anyone. The worst worst worst offender is Khloe Kardashian. It’s worth watching Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami or Keeping up w/the Kardashians JUST to witness how annoying it is. Kim couldn’t pull that off, so Khloe you SURE can’t. Let’s also remember how much you can learn about professional athletes by “Keeping up.” I knew Reggie Bush and Lamar Odom thanks to Kim & Khloe! And as I’m typing this, I’m learning one more thing… when you are about to name your child, type his/her name in a Word document… if spellcheck zigzags the name in red, you need to reconsider. Chloe, no zigzag; Khloe, zigzag… Courtney, no zigzag; Kourtney, zigzag.
Back to business…
Ali & Frank… boring…
Now she’s going to give a rose IN the hot tub. AND she’s doing the baby voice. Awwwww, it’s Ty Ty Country Guy!!! Yay, he was a good sport. All the boys are sulking now. I’m not into Ty, but at least he didn’t sulk and whine the whole day!
Ok folks, here’s what we’ve been waiting for. Krasey and Rated R 2-on-1 date AND Krasey’s tatt reveal!! Woo hoo! Rated R says he’s “bringin’ all I’ve got.” Ummmm, Rated R, all you’ve “got” is that new patch of hair under your bottom lip and your designer jeans, which you need to stop wearing in every scene… plus I think they might be women’s jeans…? And heeeeeere we go. Boring flight around the volcano. These guys are both SO annoying. Not even fun to watch. Please oh please let someone fall into the volcano. Hee hee, Ali just said my favorite quote that they previewed last week, “The only thing Kasey has to do today is BE NORMAL.” I know I mentioned it last week, but it’s just so good. OK people, it’s TATT TIME! She is in shock. Sweet girl, trying to smile while thinking, “OH MY GOD, THIS FREAK IS GOING TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP!” Ali is tromping through the snow as fast as possible trying to get the hell outta Iceland… Ali stops to give Rated R the rose and say good-bye to Krasey… poor Krasey, he held it together as they flew off. Zoom out on Krasey through the helicopter window. He has MAJOR stalker potential. Kreeeeepy Krazy Kasey!
OH GOD, Justin/Rated R just said, “There’s actually 2 roses given; one to Justin, and one to Rated R.” WHAT is WRONG with him???
OK, Rose Ceremony time. Still 30 minutes left, so we must be about to have some drama.
Ick, I have to see and hear Frank and Ali kiss. THEN she says something about how the look on his face is the look she’s missed. Really, Ali? THAT’S the look? The I’m-going-to-watch-you-while-you-sleep-and-try-on-your-underwear-psycho look?
Big head Craig drew a tattoo on his own arm. OK, he’s kind of funny which is surprising. Busted out a personality!
No-face-time Chris N…. ok, the editing is making him look like a DOOF… I have a feeling this isn’t what really happened… at least I hope not. Other guys are “analyzing their body language.” I just refuse to believe that this is normal guy behavior! Seems so girly!
Chris L is sweet and simple… so is Ali… maybe this is a good match.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroberto, you haven’t been around much this episode. Here goes Ali’s baby voice again!! Do guys like this? Maybe I’m all wrong about it… shoot, what do I know? Ali just said that she wouldn’t have approached him because he was too hot for her. That was kind of sweet. OK, it’s decided: I am going to Claire’s Boutique tomorrow to buy a sparkle princess headband and hair extensions, then I’m going to approach MY crush (who definitely IS too hot for me) and try out the baby voice. Fingers crossed!
Awwwwwwwwwww, Kirk is wearing his matching sweater to the Rose Ceremony! OK THAT’S kind of funny.
All the guys look rather haggard. Too much drinking at the house maybe?
1st rose, Frank. Ick.
2nd rose, Chris L.
3rd rose, Rrrrrrrrrrroberto
4th and final rose! It’s between Big Head Craig and NoFaceTime Chris… who looks like he’s about to PASS OUT. And the rose goes to BHC. Ali makes a pouty baby sad face. Ewww.
I’m guessing Rated R goes home next week… or maybe BHC. I wish Frank would go home…
NoFaceTimeChris keeps it together in the limo. He seems stoned.
OH NO Ali said “supposably” again AND I think she thinks “IstanbulTurkey” is one word. She doesn’t seem to be able to say “Istanbul.” Worth the rewind. Awkward.
Scenes from next week!
Wrestling in jeans. Why?
Someone there has a girlfriend back home… Ali chases him out, yelling, “You’re going to regret this!” Eeeek, she just slipped into that place we all try so hard to hide, our psycho-chick side.
Why do they save the BEST footage for the end??? BHC on the tiny horse? Hilarious!
And that’s it for this week!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Week 4: Is this really happening?
My Bachelorette recap…
OK, so I am watching the Bachelorette a day late and on my computer because of a tragic DVR mishap, and I am so overcome with all of it that I feel I must write… Years ago I used to get an email recap of the Bachelor that some girl wrote and I loved it, so I’m going to take a stab at doing the same. Now, before we even begin, I’m not trying to say I’m better than anyone on this show or that I know ANYTHING about falling in love… 35, single mom, permanently 10 pounds overweight (10…. 25, let’s not split hairs here), sitting here with a box of Oh’s cereal that I’m shoveling in by the handful (people, it is delicious and you must try it), and now on my 3rd Yuengling light; so I am really no one to judge… that said, here we go….
We open on all the guys hanging out. Chris Harrelson (?) arrives to announce the plans for the week’s dates… who passed out the Livestrong bracelets? The guys are all kind of cute when they’re just hanging out being guys and NOT trying to impress Ali…
OK, flash to Ali walking around NY. Note to all- do not try to look “New York” when you’re visiting New York. No weird hats, shoes, short shorts… Dress like you normally do. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t try to do the NY double-cheek air-kiss. Guess what New Yorkers? We know you all think you’re soooooo chic w/the double air kiss, but the rest of the world thinks you’re tools. NY friends, no rebuttals. I heart heart heart NY and will always regret not living there for a year or two when I was much younger; I’m just not down with the I’m-sooooooooo-NY-now attitude.
Back to the show…
OK, bless your sweet heart Ali for just admitting that you are totally intimidated by NY fashion. So this guy from InStyle is picking outfits. Most are VERY cute. She looks good.
Ali needs to stop calling the guys “boys.” “I have a lot of boys!” etc…. makes it sound like she’s going to find 12 year olds to play with. Ewwww.
Ali is describing all the guys… Ali, you do NOT need to use an accent when you say “Rrrrrrroberto!” Seriously.
Kasey’s one-on-one date
DISASTER
Everything with Kasey is painful to watch, and even more painful to hear. First of all, I hate to take cheap shots or tease anyone for something they can’t help, but what the heck with his voice??? Am I the only one who thinks something is wrong here? I bet he is the WORST kisser EVER, but you might HAVE to kiss him just to get him to STOP TALKING. Ohhhh he’s the WORST. I feel sorry for him but he is so weird and annoying!! So here we go… Kasey is already taking pictures of them w/his phone. Weirdo. They are riding in a helicopter. He just said, “That’s what’s up!” They are both screaming “wooohoooo!” like idiots. He just said that Ali was in a cocoon but is now a beautiful butterfly who is opened up and ready for love. PUSH HIM OUT OF THE HELICOPTER. Oh god, here he goes with the “protect and guard my heart” stuff. OHGOD OHGOD OHGOD impromptu original song!!!! OH GOD is this really happening?!!? Poor Ali. You can tell she is like WHAT THE F*CK. Side note, if I were ever the Bachelorette- and I probably will be at some point because I am the perfect candidate- there are a few things that will instantly get a guy kicked out---- writing me a poem or singing a song to me are high on the list. OK, back to the date …Ali said he is being cheesy but is still giving him a chance to be “real.” Ummm, Ali, this IS “real.” He is “real” crazzzzy and “real” weird! Stage 4 clinger! Now they’re running around the museum and Kasey is just being a total dork, pretending to talk to the animals. Now they are sitting on a random couch in the museum. He just said, “I choose you.” Isn’t that from a movie? Notting Hill? Choose me, love me. Oh God, he just said, “It’s just my heart. Jump in. Stay a while.” I could stab myself in the ears right now. WAIT NO NO NO HE IS SINGING AGAIN!!!!! Is this really happening!?!?! She actually laughed this time. He rhymed “thorns” with “yours.” Hmmmmmmmm…. OK, so now Ali says that she is worried that the songs and lines and everything are not real. Um, Ali, you should be more worried if they ARE real. This guy is a FREAK. Kasey said guard my heart 3 more times. Sulking b/c he didn’t get the rose. Send this whack-job HOME! Thank goodness this trainwreck is over.
On to the group date. The “boys” are trying out for a part w/Ali in the Lion King.
Lion King auditions…
Oh good lord…. Who put all these guys in bike shorts? AWFUL. And the bright Hanes v-necks and ankle socks? AWFUL. Wow this show gets better by the minute.
Weatherman… you are like a Keebler elf. I feel like you must weigh 135 pounds. Good for you, that’s my goal weight.
WHOA Jesse your singing was really good!
OK, here comes my favorite, Roberto. Your singing was horrible. But you, my friend, are darling. Now I would have immediately given you the boot on the first day for speaking in another language to me (almost as corny as writing poems or songs)… but that would have been a mistake because you are like 2 of my favorite old flames- Jewish Marc and Hot Rob- rolled into one nice little Latino love child, and you are yummy! I even found it cute when you walked off w/her and exclaimed, “Sweeeet!” Only a hot guy can get away with this. Although the devil in me can’t help but wish I could be there when you tell Ali you are an insurance agent… I bet she’s not expecting that. By the way, Rrrrrroberto is from Charleston… I was there last week and did notice an abundance of hottie hot guys roaming the streets. I wonder if any of them were insurance agents… unfortunately I had double cockblockers with me there- my parents and son- so no chance to explore my policy options. Back to the show…
Ali, what’s with that headband/tiara??? You’re in the Lion King, not Sleeping Beauty. You look silly.
OH NO, Roberto is in a decorated floral/nude leotard… this is not working for me. Buzzkill. And it is the most unflattering thing ever! I didn’t know guys had to be as careful as us girls when it comes to not putting on something that makes your ass look huge! See, I am always LEARNING from watching this show.
Kirk, you’re growing on me. You are funny and a guy’s guy. Frank, you are weird. Way too intense. Not hot, smoldering dark intense; scary intense. I like your sailor shirt, though. I’m going to order one from miniBoden for my 6 year old son.
Now we’re back with all the guys. Ohhhhh Kirk, shiny white tie. Yuck.
Weatherman, the shades of neutral shirt/jacket. Awful. Keebler meets panama jack.
Ali, again, your body is 5 billion times better than mine, but stretch pants, long or capri, are not for you. And those heels… what is it about everyone my age (ok, she’s 10 years younger) thinking they can dress like the ladies in Sex and the City? Or is it Sex in the City? Well it doesn’t matter, the point is no one looks good in their wardrobe except them. I went to see the movie 2 weeks ago, and there were several people who had clearly tried to look like Carrie and it was just pitiful. And while I’m at it, no one over 12 looks cute in pigtails/braids… I know, you think you look cute and youthful… no no no, it’s awful. Even on Heidi Klum. Kim Kardashian. Insert name of anyone you think is beautiful. Again, I realize I am in no position to criticize hair these days. I am sporting the worst--- the way-too-short-sticks-straight-out ponytail. But I digress…
OK, so Ali is sick. She is hoarse and whiny and the guys all find it precious. Hmmmm, don’t play this card too much my friend. Guys only like it once or twice, then they’re over it.
Ewwwww, Kirk just asked if she wanted a bedtime story. Meanwhile Weatherman is stewing and kicking himself once again. Poor little fella. Now Kirk is blowing out all the candles…. Ummmmm, did we have a scene change to Phantom of the Opera? And Ali, you aren’t asleep! Open your eyes! This is SO corny. I love it.
Chris L’s one-on-one…
Ali is sick. They’re just going to hang out in Ali’s room! YES, finally, now I’ve got a game plan for when I’m the Bachelorette… I’m going to say I’m sick the entire season so I can stay in bed and watch TV!
OH NO, Ali just said “supposably”… she’s an idiot… and that does not mean pick apart my writing and find the errors and point them out to me… I am typing as I watch AND drink beer, so that’s extra points for me. Sweet Chris L, I love you for not playing the mom card early on… nice guy. Don’t know if he’s really intriguing in any way, but definitely solid. Not my type, I prefer damaged, broken, and messy.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh good lord Kasey is getting a tattoo. I’m hoping it’s a heart that says “Guard and protect 4ever” and yes, it has to read “4ever” because that makes it even WORSE. Oh my god I can’t believe it- I was kidding and I was ALMOST right!!! It’s a SHIELD “protecting” a heart to go along w/the “guard and protect her heart” theme. How can you be such an even split of FREAK and DORK?
WHAT is with big lawyer guy’s homeboy gear when he’s loungin’ around w/the other fellas?
Uh oh… Chris L is talking about his mom… poor guy… good for him keeping it together! All the other guys are crying over Ali, and he’s keeping it together talking about his dead mother! He’s a rock. I love that. Bottle it up, guys, bottle it up.
Props to Ali for not having 10 tons of makeup on in every scene. She’s a cute girl. Just a little less whining and a lot less stretch pants, and she’s set.
Am I supposed to know who this guy is singing on the roof? Hmmmm, the kissing… I couldn’t tell if it was good or not… seemed a little messy but I didn’t care enough to rewind…
OK, rose ceremony time… Big lawyer guy is back in his dull business man suit. Can’t wait to see Kasey reveal his tatt. Seriously he has GOT to stop saying “guard and protect her/my heart.” SO weird and annoying. At least 10 times in this episode! Again, don’t care enough to rewind and count… but thinking it could be a good drinking game.
WOW, there goes Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert again!!!! Player has mooooooves!
OH god, Weatherman singing. WTF with all this singing??? How does she even sit there at this point? Awwwwwwwwwwkward.
Guys just got to see the tatt. Some of them are staring with no words… others can’t help but smile, smirk, and laugh. OH no, Justin just spoke in 3rd person AND used his wrestler name… add that to my list of instant cuts (speaking in 3rd person AND HAVING a wrestler name!). “Rated R called it!” “Melissa is about to vomit!”
Here we go… he’s about to show Ali the tatt... eeeeeeeeeek…. Her face already has HORROR all over it and she hasn’t even seen it! DAMMIT, stupid weird tooth Frank just cockblocked the tatt reveal!!!
Alright, moment of truth… Rose ceremony!
Uhg, commercial… time to reflect… I think I’m going to start having rose ceremonies in my class at school. At the end of each day I’m going to make all the kids pack up their backpacks and the ones who don’t get a rose must IMMEDIATELY leave the room.
OK, we’re back. Ali got “really sick.” Ummm, it was a COLD and she was able to go to a rooftop cornball concert the same night.
Kirk the Tongue! First rose! Niiiiiiice.
Frank Frankly too intense weird tooth! Second rose!
CRAIG- so that’s the big weird homie/lawyer’s name! Third rose! (Why? He’s a dud!)
Chris the rock! Fourth rose!
Roberto Hottie Hot, Fifth rose!
Rated R Wrestler! Sixth Rose!
Ty Ty Country Guy! Seventh Rose. Might be ok w/less sideburns and a better haircut.
And the final rose…
KASEY!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! You have got to be kidding me! Krazy Kasey!
As the guys hug their good-byes, I swear I just heard an “I love you man.”
AWKWARD whispering between Weatherman and Ali.
Oh wait, I missed one of the guys… dark hair, didn’t get any time on the show… who dat?
Preview for next week…
Kirk the Tongue has some skeletons to reveal! Hmmmm, might be my kinda guy!
Will Krazy Kasey show that tatt? Ali’s quote, “The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal.” Ummmm, Ali, if you have to request for a guy to “be normal,” he’s NOT normal!
So those are my thoughts…. Hope you enjoyed! Isn’t reality tv a great break from the depressing state of the REAL world? Who cares about BP, the economy, or Joran van der Sloot when you’re got Krazy Kasey trying to guard and protect your heart???
Oh jeez- just when I thought it was over, the bonus footage of Rated R doing his wrestler bit…. More importantly, one last chance to see Big Lawyer Craig’s loungin’ attire.
OK, so I am watching the Bachelorette a day late and on my computer because of a tragic DVR mishap, and I am so overcome with all of it that I feel I must write… Years ago I used to get an email recap of the Bachelor that some girl wrote and I loved it, so I’m going to take a stab at doing the same. Now, before we even begin, I’m not trying to say I’m better than anyone on this show or that I know ANYTHING about falling in love… 35, single mom, permanently 10 pounds overweight (10…. 25, let’s not split hairs here), sitting here with a box of Oh’s cereal that I’m shoveling in by the handful (people, it is delicious and you must try it), and now on my 3rd Yuengling light; so I am really no one to judge… that said, here we go….
We open on all the guys hanging out. Chris Harrelson (?) arrives to announce the plans for the week’s dates… who passed out the Livestrong bracelets? The guys are all kind of cute when they’re just hanging out being guys and NOT trying to impress Ali…
OK, flash to Ali walking around NY. Note to all- do not try to look “New York” when you’re visiting New York. No weird hats, shoes, short shorts… Dress like you normally do. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t try to do the NY double-cheek air-kiss. Guess what New Yorkers? We know you all think you’re soooooo chic w/the double air kiss, but the rest of the world thinks you’re tools. NY friends, no rebuttals. I heart heart heart NY and will always regret not living there for a year or two when I was much younger; I’m just not down with the I’m-sooooooooo-NY-now attitude.
Back to the show…
OK, bless your sweet heart Ali for just admitting that you are totally intimidated by NY fashion. So this guy from InStyle is picking outfits. Most are VERY cute. She looks good.
Ali needs to stop calling the guys “boys.” “I have a lot of boys!” etc…. makes it sound like she’s going to find 12 year olds to play with. Ewwww.
Ali is describing all the guys… Ali, you do NOT need to use an accent when you say “Rrrrrrroberto!” Seriously.
Kasey’s one-on-one date
DISASTER
Everything with Kasey is painful to watch, and even more painful to hear. First of all, I hate to take cheap shots or tease anyone for something they can’t help, but what the heck with his voice??? Am I the only one who thinks something is wrong here? I bet he is the WORST kisser EVER, but you might HAVE to kiss him just to get him to STOP TALKING. Ohhhh he’s the WORST. I feel sorry for him but he is so weird and annoying!! So here we go… Kasey is already taking pictures of them w/his phone. Weirdo. They are riding in a helicopter. He just said, “That’s what’s up!” They are both screaming “wooohoooo!” like idiots. He just said that Ali was in a cocoon but is now a beautiful butterfly who is opened up and ready for love. PUSH HIM OUT OF THE HELICOPTER. Oh god, here he goes with the “protect and guard my heart” stuff. OHGOD OHGOD OHGOD impromptu original song!!!! OH GOD is this really happening?!!? Poor Ali. You can tell she is like WHAT THE F*CK. Side note, if I were ever the Bachelorette- and I probably will be at some point because I am the perfect candidate- there are a few things that will instantly get a guy kicked out---- writing me a poem or singing a song to me are high on the list. OK, back to the date …Ali said he is being cheesy but is still giving him a chance to be “real.” Ummm, Ali, this IS “real.” He is “real” crazzzzy and “real” weird! Stage 4 clinger! Now they’re running around the museum and Kasey is just being a total dork, pretending to talk to the animals. Now they are sitting on a random couch in the museum. He just said, “I choose you.” Isn’t that from a movie? Notting Hill? Choose me, love me. Oh God, he just said, “It’s just my heart. Jump in. Stay a while.” I could stab myself in the ears right now. WAIT NO NO NO HE IS SINGING AGAIN!!!!! Is this really happening!?!?! She actually laughed this time. He rhymed “thorns” with “yours.” Hmmmmmmmm…. OK, so now Ali says that she is worried that the songs and lines and everything are not real. Um, Ali, you should be more worried if they ARE real. This guy is a FREAK. Kasey said guard my heart 3 more times. Sulking b/c he didn’t get the rose. Send this whack-job HOME! Thank goodness this trainwreck is over.
On to the group date. The “boys” are trying out for a part w/Ali in the Lion King.
Lion King auditions…
Oh good lord…. Who put all these guys in bike shorts? AWFUL. And the bright Hanes v-necks and ankle socks? AWFUL. Wow this show gets better by the minute.
Weatherman… you are like a Keebler elf. I feel like you must weigh 135 pounds. Good for you, that’s my goal weight.
WHOA Jesse your singing was really good!
OK, here comes my favorite, Roberto. Your singing was horrible. But you, my friend, are darling. Now I would have immediately given you the boot on the first day for speaking in another language to me (almost as corny as writing poems or songs)… but that would have been a mistake because you are like 2 of my favorite old flames- Jewish Marc and Hot Rob- rolled into one nice little Latino love child, and you are yummy! I even found it cute when you walked off w/her and exclaimed, “Sweeeet!” Only a hot guy can get away with this. Although the devil in me can’t help but wish I could be there when you tell Ali you are an insurance agent… I bet she’s not expecting that. By the way, Rrrrrroberto is from Charleston… I was there last week and did notice an abundance of hottie hot guys roaming the streets. I wonder if any of them were insurance agents… unfortunately I had double cockblockers with me there- my parents and son- so no chance to explore my policy options. Back to the show…
Ali, what’s with that headband/tiara??? You’re in the Lion King, not Sleeping Beauty. You look silly.
OH NO, Roberto is in a decorated floral/nude leotard… this is not working for me. Buzzkill. And it is the most unflattering thing ever! I didn’t know guys had to be as careful as us girls when it comes to not putting on something that makes your ass look huge! See, I am always LEARNING from watching this show.
Kirk, you’re growing on me. You are funny and a guy’s guy. Frank, you are weird. Way too intense. Not hot, smoldering dark intense; scary intense. I like your sailor shirt, though. I’m going to order one from miniBoden for my 6 year old son.
Now we’re back with all the guys. Ohhhhh Kirk, shiny white tie. Yuck.
Weatherman, the shades of neutral shirt/jacket. Awful. Keebler meets panama jack.
Ali, again, your body is 5 billion times better than mine, but stretch pants, long or capri, are not for you. And those heels… what is it about everyone my age (ok, she’s 10 years younger) thinking they can dress like the ladies in Sex and the City? Or is it Sex in the City? Well it doesn’t matter, the point is no one looks good in their wardrobe except them. I went to see the movie 2 weeks ago, and there were several people who had clearly tried to look like Carrie and it was just pitiful. And while I’m at it, no one over 12 looks cute in pigtails/braids… I know, you think you look cute and youthful… no no no, it’s awful. Even on Heidi Klum. Kim Kardashian. Insert name of anyone you think is beautiful. Again, I realize I am in no position to criticize hair these days. I am sporting the worst--- the way-too-short-sticks-straight-out ponytail. But I digress…
OK, so Ali is sick. She is hoarse and whiny and the guys all find it precious. Hmmmm, don’t play this card too much my friend. Guys only like it once or twice, then they’re over it.
Ewwwww, Kirk just asked if she wanted a bedtime story. Meanwhile Weatherman is stewing and kicking himself once again. Poor little fella. Now Kirk is blowing out all the candles…. Ummmmm, did we have a scene change to Phantom of the Opera? And Ali, you aren’t asleep! Open your eyes! This is SO corny. I love it.
Chris L’s one-on-one…
Ali is sick. They’re just going to hang out in Ali’s room! YES, finally, now I’ve got a game plan for when I’m the Bachelorette… I’m going to say I’m sick the entire season so I can stay in bed and watch TV!
OH NO, Ali just said “supposably”… she’s an idiot… and that does not mean pick apart my writing and find the errors and point them out to me… I am typing as I watch AND drink beer, so that’s extra points for me. Sweet Chris L, I love you for not playing the mom card early on… nice guy. Don’t know if he’s really intriguing in any way, but definitely solid. Not my type, I prefer damaged, broken, and messy.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh good lord Kasey is getting a tattoo. I’m hoping it’s a heart that says “Guard and protect 4ever” and yes, it has to read “4ever” because that makes it even WORSE. Oh my god I can’t believe it- I was kidding and I was ALMOST right!!! It’s a SHIELD “protecting” a heart to go along w/the “guard and protect her heart” theme. How can you be such an even split of FREAK and DORK?
WHAT is with big lawyer guy’s homeboy gear when he’s loungin’ around w/the other fellas?
Uh oh… Chris L is talking about his mom… poor guy… good for him keeping it together! All the other guys are crying over Ali, and he’s keeping it together talking about his dead mother! He’s a rock. I love that. Bottle it up, guys, bottle it up.
Props to Ali for not having 10 tons of makeup on in every scene. She’s a cute girl. Just a little less whining and a lot less stretch pants, and she’s set.
Am I supposed to know who this guy is singing on the roof? Hmmmm, the kissing… I couldn’t tell if it was good or not… seemed a little messy but I didn’t care enough to rewind…
OK, rose ceremony time… Big lawyer guy is back in his dull business man suit. Can’t wait to see Kasey reveal his tatt. Seriously he has GOT to stop saying “guard and protect her/my heart.” SO weird and annoying. At least 10 times in this episode! Again, don’t care enough to rewind and count… but thinking it could be a good drinking game.
WOW, there goes Kirk Kirk Tongue Alert again!!!! Player has mooooooves!
OH god, Weatherman singing. WTF with all this singing??? How does she even sit there at this point? Awwwwwwwwwwkward.
Guys just got to see the tatt. Some of them are staring with no words… others can’t help but smile, smirk, and laugh. OH no, Justin just spoke in 3rd person AND used his wrestler name… add that to my list of instant cuts (speaking in 3rd person AND HAVING a wrestler name!). “Rated R called it!” “Melissa is about to vomit!”
Here we go… he’s about to show Ali the tatt... eeeeeeeeeek…. Her face already has HORROR all over it and she hasn’t even seen it! DAMMIT, stupid weird tooth Frank just cockblocked the tatt reveal!!!
Alright, moment of truth… Rose ceremony!
Uhg, commercial… time to reflect… I think I’m going to start having rose ceremonies in my class at school. At the end of each day I’m going to make all the kids pack up their backpacks and the ones who don’t get a rose must IMMEDIATELY leave the room.
OK, we’re back. Ali got “really sick.” Ummm, it was a COLD and she was able to go to a rooftop cornball concert the same night.
Kirk the Tongue! First rose! Niiiiiiice.
Frank Frankly too intense weird tooth! Second rose!
CRAIG- so that’s the big weird homie/lawyer’s name! Third rose! (Why? He’s a dud!)
Chris the rock! Fourth rose!
Roberto Hottie Hot, Fifth rose!
Rated R Wrestler! Sixth Rose!
Ty Ty Country Guy! Seventh Rose. Might be ok w/less sideburns and a better haircut.
And the final rose…
KASEY!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! You have got to be kidding me! Krazy Kasey!
As the guys hug their good-byes, I swear I just heard an “I love you man.”
AWKWARD whispering between Weatherman and Ali.
Oh wait, I missed one of the guys… dark hair, didn’t get any time on the show… who dat?
Preview for next week…
Kirk the Tongue has some skeletons to reveal! Hmmmm, might be my kinda guy!
Will Krazy Kasey show that tatt? Ali’s quote, “The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal.” Ummmm, Ali, if you have to request for a guy to “be normal,” he’s NOT normal!
So those are my thoughts…. Hope you enjoyed! Isn’t reality tv a great break from the depressing state of the REAL world? Who cares about BP, the economy, or Joran van der Sloot when you’re got Krazy Kasey trying to guard and protect your heart???
Oh jeez- just when I thought it was over, the bonus footage of Rated R doing his wrestler bit…. More importantly, one last chance to see Big Lawyer Craig’s loungin’ attire.
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